Complex Complex

This year I've met a number of people:  An American, A Geek (who would be proud of the title and my use of commas), 3 Cynics a new best friend, one of the most coolest gamer people I know and an artist and you guys have meant the world too me and changed my life tremendously and for that I am truly grateful and thankful for. Yes I know I am difficult, eccentric, crazy and a little blind to the world around me and a little bit too self harmy. So this blog is for you you unique marvellous lights that light up my world please give yourself a pat on the backs Now.

So with the Praise over, I hoped you all enjoyed it we come to some kind of rambling the kind I do best, At present I feel alone loneir then Ive ever been is that normal when youve had a yeah of people who care so so deeply about you but now I just

I feel lonely
I feel a Failure
I have let others done
I am afraid
I feel like a King but of a wasteland that I cant understand and control my feelings are darker and i am scared of the dark.

Threapy is hard it is reporgramming me but I am scared of into what
My nan is hospital and it wont work and I HATE MYSELF
I HATE WHO I AM
I HATE MY IDENDITY AND LACK OF IT ALL I AM UNSTABLE AND NO ONE CARES

Force of words

Im struggling today to express myself
this is hard and I dont know why everything feels
numb there is no reason for it the everlasting winter
I want to be able to write again and
face the futrue in a brighter sunshine
I just want too fit in and feel
safe and I know that I shouldnt complain
I just would love to know a
kind of normal life and feel
safe and the world just turns and I am deemed
okay but that soft voice that tells me to conform
and everything seems hard trying to explain
my thoughts across a page and i just i dunno
what to do and feel safe, Its a feeling that Ive never
felt before and just writing is hard and I am so tired
so sleepy so very tired and wanting to sleep
and to feel confident and not stupid and to know
who I am which is in itself. I guess its hard not knowing you are
because in a way Ive only had myself I wish I was a good
person with a good mind and to be seen as funny and you know it all.

Ive dreamed of my mum and knowing that life fused with this
life and just trying to get away from it all and this universe is all too complex
for my twisted mind
Someone save me and tell me im good

Things we said today

So today has all days has been different and the same in this loose weave of knowledge we call life and other events. Im trying to improve my writing and self expression in general so be prepared for crazy thoughts to be presented in a slighty more normal light (As you can sarcasm is not going away from my writing just yet) So after a weekend witrh my girlfriend we talked and cried and I got angry and I know I am hard to live with and that my life does impact and hurt others and yes I know that I can be difficult and selfsih and I try not too be but I know things are looking up well I am things dont really look.  
This week I learnt and am still learning the meaning of friends.
Friends are all a funny topic to me because it is hard for me too feel safe around people due to the over arching and terrorising fear that rules and runs my life with me as its twisted puppet.
Its all very wierd learning about ones self espically when you dont know where to look for a look at your past life.
Its even harder when you cant decide if you want to erase it all or keep it in the front of your mind.
Finding me will be hard as hard as trying to feel to contecnt but i fell that i find the me where I was happiness then everything will follow maybe kind of who knows
Anyway thats another rant over

Emotions

I am annoyed
I am unhappy with myself
I wish too smile and amaze
I wish too feel united
I am angry and unhappy with life
I am ungreatful
I just want too fell better and wake up from this recurring nightmare
I have had enough and death seems comforting

EVERYTHING IS SPIRALLING OUT OF CONTROL AND I DONT LIKE IT

I am scared

WHY CANT I HAVE A NORMAL MIND THAT DOESNT JUMP ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE

Why cant i make you smile why do i fuck everything up why dont i have the answers

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Lets end today and look in a new direction

Today just sucked and thats all it

Reflecting on a Broken Mirror

But you have friends
(A Silence)
You have a lot of friends
(A Silence)
What do you offer your friends that makes them so supportive
(More Silence)

Thats a question that Ive spent well most of my life asking and trying to answer.
I do have friends and a girlfriend who are supportive
What do I offer them that makes them that
As I fall and wonder will I rise?

I feel scared
I do not wish to try anything as I am scared of failing
I feel pathetic as I type my crap across a screen
I know I love
I feel Numb and that life is too full of paradoxes
I wish to cease
I want to wake up alive tomorrow
I wish to sleep.

Friends make the pain go away and now I am scared I am alone but with love
I am not alone in that sense but I am alone right now.
I wish I could have a normal bad day
Without it taking over and destroying me
eating at me as I just want to fall

so fast
into a bright light
please wake up
in a saner state of mind
tomorrow

Split and Spliced

So been told today that my mind is so loose weave that its divided itself into 3 parts.
And that I guess although it was used as a metaphor (kind off)
It explains a lot because in all honesty I am a selfish person and being my friends is a very dangerous route, I am scared of myself and what I can do and I just want too be able to be calm and react and not be scared and watch winter flow into spring.
I guess today has some kind of good points
Lunch was awesome and was enjoyable with friends who make me feel just a little bit less mental and more geeky
Did I mention that Bow Ties are cool.
I guess something good could come up and that would be nice to be whole and
feel safe.
I am Human
who takes the road less travelled and that has made
all the difference.
Thank you to all the people who make life worth living.

Let's Make a Blog

Well that really hurt,
My Love who tore out my heart and blasted
it apart and when I sat there and cried and
you couldnt listen to me. It hurt so much what
you said and I still feel in pain and though
you think it is better you have scared my heart
and I know you say how I have hurt you and let
you done and for that I am sorry and cannot say enough.
The truth is I really do love you but
you made me do this to my hands and be in pain and everything looks darker
as once again I am scared that I cannot be perfect for you
If just for one day I could make you see yourself through my eyes
then you would never doubt the love I hold for you.
That Panic Attack was the worst ever because as I lied there waiting and wanting
to do you still carried on with your words and confirmed every dark thought
in my mind and brought to life to hack away at me again as it did in childhood.
You asked me to ask you a question
that you do not know the answer too.
So fuck you for fucking me up for making me this fucked up
person who wishes with all his heart that he could sort his fucking self
out to please the fucking woman he so fucking loves.
All I want is you and not be scared to have friends and be able
to express my fractured mind in its funny (but annoying) ways.
And have your love to see me through and
feel like that boy you fell in love with once more.
Love me and Kill me can the two thoughts exsist together?
Please Open the Curtians

Suprise attack from the past

You wont get the title thats a good thing,

Tonight everything is good.
Life has hope and it is good.
I still have fear and still feel insane but winter will soon melt into spring
Maybe it will be good a fresh start
without losing you
taking everyday one at a time
one by one
as summer solves it all

Please

Someone Please open the curtains
Restore my faith in Life and Hope
And lead me to a saner life
Tomorrow
Please let me sleep just through the pain

Complex

A word used to describe something challange or well complex
This is how I feel and I just feel so angry and unable to contain my emotions
I wish someone could recuse me
I wish you could see me and not look away in fear my love.
Just look and see the man you loved he is still there and wants to be taken in your arms
I hate thinking like this and everything being dark
I dunno I just dunno how I feel
I just wish someone would save me and take me far away and I could fall into there arms and just sleep.
Sleep would be awesome at 1 in the morning as
would some understanding and a fez.
I would love someone to tell me why Im feeling these very Complex emotions
Its like one minuite I sat there this evening smiling and jumping and now Im laying in bed all alone and crying
I dont want too be normal far from it in fact I LOVE my insanity
I just wish I could control my emotions
And keep them all locked away so
they couldnt harm or upset anyone
I hate upsetting people
I just dont want
to be alone again
in the dark without
the love that youve
shown me
I wish I could smile about the future and dream of our wedding and me amusing you over some stupid joke but I CANT do that can.
I try so hard to understand.
But I Cant Im not a normal person
Im a failure and I wish I could understand you and take you far away from your problems.
I wish for that and I try but I am fucked up and for that I am sorry.
Just Remember: Once youve established life is a horrible nightmare, You have to live it with as much freedom happiness and joy as you can.
Please someone open the curtians and someone not fear me on the other side of them

A night with Miss.Pond

Gotcha Didnt I?
This part of my Blog goes out too Miss.Pond a friend who knows who she is and I am just saying thank you for listening again at 12:00 at night to my rant and seeing that Im just that bit more complex. I suppose that things are going good though I am scared and what happened today on the family front was just a bit not good really. I feel incredibly scared and dark at the moment and the annoying thing is I dont know why. Miss.Pond thank you for being you and dont worry about saving me you already have more then most people I know (Superfriends you have too dont worry) I just I dunno really feel cold and lonely at the minute which is odd because my beloved is being nice to me and we are getting on and
I am making her laugh which means a lot too me and thats fine I dont mind being the jester in fact a lot of the time its all ive got really but Im just worried that Ill screw it all up or something will happen and I hate fear almost as much as I hate self harm. I hate the dark and wish I could stay out of the shadows again.
Anyway Pond thank you for the talk tonight it was nice to be contact with a nice friend again.
On With The Show

Some Kind of Words

So its just been one of those weekends with arguments and smiles hidden behind tears and I wondered why I am still with her the one who just cant see.
The Answer for once for in my life is just so very simple behind that anger, rage and tears I see the women I fell in love with and it hurts to see her in pain.
I just want to save her
But I know that sometimes to save someone you must walk away.
But I cant I wish I could sometimes.
It would take the pain away.
This pain that makes me write in this uncomfortable style
But I dont want too lose her because I love her and when I had nothing left she was there guiding me through life lighting it all up and making me see sense, but now I am questioning all that with my tears.
This gets me wondering what does the future hold in its infante plan for us all.
I wish I could see it just a sweet glimpse of me and her together.
She sees that I love her and can just cuddle her and she is calm and not this raging whirlwind that will destroy us both.
Maybe I should calm down and not worry and maybe just maybe get on with some work.
I thought about my life as a collective whole today and just thought you not I guess that I should pick myself up and just keep on truckin and not worry about all.
Ive faced worse (Alone)
This feels dark like living in a Dark Dark Town In a Dark Dark (Ten points if you get the refrence)
I just wish someone could meet me at my window again and take me away from this painful realitly for just a few hours or someone could jsut listen and see me for me
and not be scared or unhappy
Thats what I want again

Burn

I just am very destroyed more then usaul
Im jsut sitting here destroyed ffs why is everything being burnt
I wish I could just leave for the day
And pray for a saner life tomorrow with some happiness and love
Its just all burning and all I want is for her too see how much I love her
I wouldnt do this for anyone else but you
But you cant see that you have nothing too fear my angel
But I know you wont
and that kills
me more
then the
arguing.

Friends and how awesome they are

This year and part of last year I have learnt alot about friendship and just how special and amazing they can be, I have always struggled to make friends for a number of reasons and I suppose that now I have few but very special friends who I believe protect the little sanity I have left, My housemates are terrific and although tonight they heard things that I would rather that they didnt hear I know that they will still love me for the insanity and craziness that I offer.
Friends are funny though and I do have this crazy overiding fear that I will scare them all away with the insanity and depressiveness that I can sometimes give across. But now I am confident that I will stay friends with them for the rest of my life (He says hopefully)
This evening like so many others was crazy and I did something that I never want to do again I vistited a dark dark place in a dark dark street in a (you get the idea) and it hurt me amazing and my confidence is indeed waning and I hate it all. I just want too enjoy this crazy life and this crazy crazy thing called love and not feel like the bad guy and the villian and be able to fight and not dance on swords like some crazy guy and just know the love that keeps me going and making me fight on this crazy thing called life. ( Ignore the amount of Crazy) My frazzled brain doesnt let me write normally and cohesivly at the best of times. I just felt so hard tonight that my love cannot trust my judgement because yes ill admit ive made some mistakes in the past but Im not as stupid as people think and I cant switch my moods off and on like a light because I am complex and screwed over from so much and I try with all my mortal being to the be "that guy" you want to be friends with but in my heart I know Im a let down.

Writing at 3 AM is never good

So today was an intresting day with my friend whose last name I promise to pronounce correct and learn some better magic tricks.
I suppose that these last two days have been some kind of a trial and it is much more worthwhile to open up on here then open my wrists.
Life is well intresting and I suppose that I wouldnt change any of the events that have led up to the advent of writing this blog at 3 AM.
I am feeling so guiltly and down and that I am beyond hope and so small and that everything is just Yeah, I suppose that more then ever I find myself looking to my friends for support and I know that I will ask too much of them and go on about my problems.
But
I
Am
Just so pissed off and feel completled trapped and confused like I am some demented puppet dancing a dance of misery/happiness depending on my mood and my Beloved cannot understand that at the minutie and that hurts and I feel that even second everything is changing how she feels towards me and i feel more and more like the Love Me Or Kill Me theory i dicussed at the start of this week. I feel so very confused about who I am let me hope for a Saner life tommorow.
With Jelly Babies
I also started writing a book thats a tour of my very twisted and totally unique but annoying to others mind.

Love me or Kill me

This I suppose is the relationship I end up forming with the majority of people in life,
I find that people find me difficult for being well too over aplogetic, too random or too sorry and Im sorry about that, oh and I make terrible puns and jokes as well as you will find.
This weekend was lovely with my Girlfriend it was lovely and calm and we had a really nice time together which has made a change and she says that she feels happier but I do feel we live in the "love me or hate me" caterogy that I just created to explain my feelings about people and me, because we do love each other but I feel that I have to be so totally perfect and that if I do something wrong then I am a let down and that I have to be obdient and that my opinon does not always matter granted that we get on more but I suppose that I worry that I have to do everything her way or no way and that she loves the control that I give her and I just suppose that I am scared that I have to do everything her way because I cannot be that I love her completly  but I have the right to be me and sometimes that creates love and the other time that creates hate and I just am nervous that this wont last this happiness any more.

Wish

This is a kind of poem/collection of thoughts I had at 4 in the morning it’s called Wish and is more than likely going to be terrible.

Wish

I suppose that there are many things I could wish

For:

Gold, Diamonds, Time Travel, Future Sight,

The ability to write half decent poems.

But I guess the thing I wish for now is some understanding

That I don’t act in the way people want me too

That I do care about you and want to protect you even if your being stupid

That I think your the most special person in this world

It kills me when you cannot understand the man you took so much pride in

And even though I plead with you you just cannot understand so as I wish

Among the stars this morning please hear my cry

For you to just know that I love you and

That I am trying I know that I am not perfect but still

Just

Try to

Understand your star

Once Again

X

New Year Resolutions

So in the sprit of new year I decided to write some new years reslutions and those are as follows:

1. To defend my pyschological space
2. To stand up for my feelings
3. To observe my right to happiness
4. To not do stupid things (as much)
5. To not feel guilty about things
6. To not stop being different or quirky
7. To not be pushed around
8. To learn another langauge