Complex Complex

This year I've met a number of people:  An American, A Geek (who would be proud of the title and my use of commas), 3 Cynics a new best friend, one of the most coolest gamer people I know and an artist and you guys have meant the world too me and changed my life tremendously and for that I am truly grateful and thankful for. Yes I know I am difficult, eccentric, crazy and a little blind to the world around me and a little bit too self harmy. So this blog is for you you unique marvellous lights that light up my world please give yourself a pat on the backs Now.

So with the Praise over, I hoped you all enjoyed it we come to some kind of rambling the kind I do best, At present I feel alone loneir then Ive ever been is that normal when youve had a yeah of people who care so so deeply about you but now I just

I feel lonely
I feel a Failure
I have let others done
I am afraid
I feel like a King but of a wasteland that I cant understand and control my feelings are darker and i am scared of the dark.

Threapy is hard it is reporgramming me but I am scared of into what
My nan is hospital and it wont work and I HATE MYSELF
I HATE WHO I AM
I HATE MY IDENDITY AND LACK OF IT ALL I AM UNSTABLE AND NO ONE CARES

Force of words

Im struggling today to express myself
this is hard and I dont know why everything feels
numb there is no reason for it the everlasting winter
I want to be able to write again and
face the futrue in a brighter sunshine
I just want too fit in and feel
safe and I know that I shouldnt complain
I just would love to know a
kind of normal life and feel
safe and the world just turns and I am deemed
okay but that soft voice that tells me to conform
and everything seems hard trying to explain
my thoughts across a page and i just i dunno
what to do and feel safe, Its a feeling that Ive never
felt before and just writing is hard and I am so tired
so sleepy so very tired and wanting to sleep
and to feel confident and not stupid and to know
who I am which is in itself. I guess its hard not knowing you are
because in a way Ive only had myself I wish I was a good
person with a good mind and to be seen as funny and you know it all.

Ive dreamed of my mum and knowing that life fused with this
life and just trying to get away from it all and this universe is all too complex
for my twisted mind
Someone save me and tell me im good

Things we said today

So today has all days has been different and the same in this loose weave of knowledge we call life and other events. Im trying to improve my writing and self expression in general so be prepared for crazy thoughts to be presented in a slighty more normal light (As you can sarcasm is not going away from my writing just yet) So after a weekend witrh my girlfriend we talked and cried and I got angry and I know I am hard to live with and that my life does impact and hurt others and yes I know that I can be difficult and selfsih and I try not too be but I know things are looking up well I am things dont really look.  
This week I learnt and am still learning the meaning of friends.
Friends are all a funny topic to me because it is hard for me too feel safe around people due to the over arching and terrorising fear that rules and runs my life with me as its twisted puppet.
Its all very wierd learning about ones self espically when you dont know where to look for a look at your past life.
Its even harder when you cant decide if you want to erase it all or keep it in the front of your mind.
Finding me will be hard as hard as trying to feel to contecnt but i fell that i find the me where I was happiness then everything will follow maybe kind of who knows
Anyway thats another rant over

Emotions

I am annoyed
I am unhappy with myself
I wish too smile and amaze
I wish too feel united
I am angry and unhappy with life
I am ungreatful
I just want too fell better and wake up from this recurring nightmare
I have had enough and death seems comforting

EVERYTHING IS SPIRALLING OUT OF CONTROL AND I DONT LIKE IT

I am scared

WHY CANT I HAVE A NORMAL MIND THAT DOESNT JUMP ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE

Why cant i make you smile why do i fuck everything up why dont i have the answers

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Lets end today and look in a new direction

Today just sucked and thats all it

Reflecting on a Broken Mirror

But you have friends
(A Silence)
You have a lot of friends
(A Silence)
What do you offer your friends that makes them so supportive
(More Silence)

Thats a question that Ive spent well most of my life asking and trying to answer.
I do have friends and a girlfriend who are supportive
What do I offer them that makes them that
As I fall and wonder will I rise?

I feel scared
I do not wish to try anything as I am scared of failing
I feel pathetic as I type my crap across a screen
I know I love
I feel Numb and that life is too full of paradoxes
I wish to cease
I want to wake up alive tomorrow
I wish to sleep.

Friends make the pain go away and now I am scared I am alone but with love
I am not alone in that sense but I am alone right now.
I wish I could have a normal bad day
Without it taking over and destroying me
eating at me as I just want to fall

so fast
into a bright light
please wake up
in a saner state of mind
tomorrow

Split and Spliced

So been told today that my mind is so loose weave that its divided itself into 3 parts.
And that I guess although it was used as a metaphor (kind off)
It explains a lot because in all honesty I am a selfish person and being my friends is a very dangerous route, I am scared of myself and what I can do and I just want too be able to be calm and react and not be scared and watch winter flow into spring.
I guess today has some kind of good points
Lunch was awesome and was enjoyable with friends who make me feel just a little bit less mental and more geeky
Did I mention that Bow Ties are cool.
I guess something good could come up and that would be nice to be whole and
feel safe.
I am Human
who takes the road less travelled and that has made
all the difference.
Thank you to all the people who make life worth living.